When it comes to potential romance, there can be something unsettling about digitally mediated dating websites and the power wielded by some users to convince people to let down their guard and push critical thinking to the wayside.
But groups of women dedicated to supporting and empowering other women who are using or have used online dating sites have sprung up across North America and beyond, including in Manitoba.
And if you’re thinking of trying online dating – or you’ve already been there and are wondering how to do a quick fact-check of your partner or potential partner – you might want to consider taking a how-to crash course via a new e-book launched last Wednesday by Brittany Isfeld, who created the online women-only group Are We Dating the Same Guy Manitoba.
Isfeld, a social media influencer with 47,000 followers on TikTok and actress who’s appeared in films and series such as Nobody 2, Wintertide, Almost Unsolved, In Plain Sight, and Cruise Ship Killers, shares some personal heartbreak after navigating the tricky, unfiltered world of trying to find a partner using 21st-century technology, as well as the reason why she was compelled to create a supportive women-only forum, which is modelled on the first Same Guy group in New York City.
Isfeld lays out the dark side and the light side of online dating in her easy-to-read and engaging e-book or “survival guide” that’s titled Are We Dating the Same Guy: the Guide to Red Flags, Sisterhood and Taking Your Power Back!
The e-book features true-life stories of anonymized women who are or were members of the Manitoba group, warning signs of potentially bad dates and the rise of a sisterhood dedicated to busting the baddies on online dating sites in order to keep other women safe.
The intersection of human attraction and modern technology definitely has a downside, said Isfeld, who lives in the RM of Gimli. It’s easy to just “jump behind a screen” and say whatever you want.
“Unfortunately, in the modern day of online dating anyone can be whoever they want to be. And it’s hard to navigate. The world is your oyster when you’re sitting behind a computer screen; it’s very easy to fool people in to believing that they are who you want them to be. But stepping out from behind that screen can reveal someone a lot different from what they’ve portrayed online,” said Isfeld, who juggles a busy schedule overseeing the Same Guy Manitoba group and a full-time job.
“Giving women a resource where they can call a guy out in the first stages of dating – is this even the person they’re claiming to be? – I think makes it a lot easier for women and gives women a little more confidence. It also provides an extra layer of safety: women have posted that a particular guy has had criminal charges for something terrible. It’s a scary world for women to live in these days. A woman can get into the wrong car and that’s the last you hear of her.”
Some of the most common incidents women will experience “right off the hop” on dating sites are “demands” or directions from men, seeing unwanted sexually explicit images, and encouraging women to share sexualized or sexually explicit images of themselves.
“I can’t tell you how many times a woman can open a new message and see a picture they really were better off not seeing. Online dating gives people a platform to do whatever they want,” said Isfeld. “And there’s a lot of aggression out there, including demands for women to meet a guy in a certain place and so on. That makes it icky. And it also puts a whole different spin on learning who someone is and seeing how people can act. If you’re going to do these things to a complete stranger online, what are you going to do in person?”
Created in 2023, Isfeld’s Are We Dating the Same Guy Manitoba group has attracted over 24,300 members across the province.
Isfeld said her group is by no means a “male-bashing” forum as she knows it’s “not just men” who play the field and can have several people on the go at once. Her group is focused on being a resource for women. It’s about sleuthing and sharing information that women need to make sound decisions about who a man might be. And there are also “good” stories shared by women who’ve found the real deal.
The e-book reflects that ethos, providing women with an idea of what they can expect in online dating and how it operates so that they’re prepared for what could happen and learn to practise self-safety.
“My Same Guy Manitoba group is not about hating men; there are men who get posted in my group with no bad things said about them, only good things such as that they’re in relationships and are engaged to be married,” said Isfeld. “This is a space for women to get together and find out if their partner is being faithful. Sometimes the spinoffs are friendships with the mistress!”
Despite some of the relatively happier outcomes realized through her online group, Isfeld said there a few things that really stand out for her. One example is a woman who said she was subjected to abuse from her partner for over a decade and had been cut off from her friends and family. Shortly after Isfeld started her online forum, the woman thanked the group for creating a space in which she was able to discover that her partner was involved with several other women.
“He got posted in the group with multiple women saying, ‘I just saw him’ or ‘I have been dating him.’ He had multiple women on the go,” said Isfeld. “This opened her eyes. So she thanked us and left the relationship. We’re literally helping women leave unsafe or unhealthy relationships.”
Another outstanding incident was a post from a woman who told the group she planned to meet a particular guy in person, and one of the group’s members posted evidence showing him having been charged with trying to arrange a hit on his ex, said Isfeld. By pre-checking a potential date using the forum, the woman was able to make a decision about personal risk.
Isfeld said she and her team of about 10 administrative volunteers spend “countless” hours monitoring the group to ensure women are adhering to the Same Guy Manitoba rules. Those rules include not jeopardizing the safety of other women – or themselves – who are sharing stories of their experiences, not publishing false statements (libel) about the men they’re discussing, not posting last names, addresses, phone numbers of men, not bullying other women, and not taking screenshots of conversations or other content from the group and sharing it externally.
The admins are “constantly” monitoring activity or identifying fake accounts that can compromise the integrity and safety of the group.
“My admins are dedicated to keeping women safe, and the safety of women is my first priority,” said Isfeld, who shoulders the financial costs (e.g., Internet, electricity) of running the site in addition to carrying out admin duties. “We constantly monitor the group and investigate what we think could be fake profiles. If they’re fake, we delete them. It’s a huge job for us as admins because we don’t take this lightly.”
Isfeld said she plans to use some of the proceeds from her e-book to pay her admin team because they’re devoting hours of unpaid time to the Same Guy Manitoba group.
The Are We Dating the Same Guy: the Guide to Red Flags, Sisterhood and Taking Your Power Back! e-book can be ordered through Amazon, Kindle Direct Publishing or by visiting Isfeld’s Facebook page, Brittany Jade, and clicking on a link, or visiting @brittskibear on TikTok.
Isfeld said she has plans to release a print version of the e-book that will likely include a workbook or quiz section. People have already been asking her for print. Stay tuned for a book launch date.
