November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Canada
*Names in this story have been changed to protect the identities of those involved.
Almost half of all women in Canada have reported experiencing some form of abuse in an intimate partner relationship — chances are none of them thought it would happen to them.
Allison didn’t.
Soon after she turned 18, Allison began a relationship with a man in his early 20s. Just two days in, he told her he loved her. A few months later, she graduated high school and left her community outside Winnipeg for a life within city limits. Her boyfriend, unable to keep a job and pay his bills, was soon kicked out of his apartment and moved in with Allison at her aunt’s house.
That’s when he shoved her for the first time. Until then, Allison’s boyfriend had abused her emotionally — gaslighting her when she asked why he was pulling away and turning every problem into something she caused. She said he’d been talking to other girls, but whenever she tried to bring it up, he told her she was crazy.
And she believed she was. Before the relationship, Allison had been clean of self-harm for a year, but mere months after meeting her boyfriend, she started cutting herself again. With his confirmations, she convinced herself her mental illness was back.
November is Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Canada — a time to promote awareness around the issue of domestic violence and the services and resources available for those in need of support because of intimate partner violence (IPV). The RCMP say IPV “refers to harm caused by an intimate partner,” which can be in the form of physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional or psychosocial abuse, financial abuse, and neglect.
A House of Commons brief from 2022 reports that 44 percent of women (6.2 million women) aged 15 or older have reported some abuse in an intimate partner relationship. According to the RCMP, women and girls have a higher rate of being subjected to IPV than men; Indigenous women are at a much higher risk of violence and homicide than non-Indigenous women, and non-heterosexual women are more susceptible to sexual violence than heterosexual women.
Only a few days after moving in, Allison’s aunt kicked her boyfriend out, and the couple began couch surfing for weeks until finally finding an apartment Allison’s mom co-signed for. Once they were on their own, the couple’s fights got worse, often starting with Allison bringing up something that was bothering her and the argument escalating to her shoving him and him pinning her down, then strangling her.
Allison said she’d convinced herself she was the problem because everything started with her asking a question.
“He intended for me to lose my mind so much so I became the aggressor, so he had an excuse to be the aggressor himself,” she said, adding there’s no such thing as a perfect victim. “Everybody loses their ability to regulate themselves in that situation.”
Her lashing out twice sent the couple into a never-ending cycle of fights. He strangled her to the point of unconsciousness once, held her down and covered her nostrils and mouth while putting pressure on her jaw, punched her square in the face, and dragged her along the carpet until her entire side was raw. He didn’t allow Allison to have friends or go out with anyone. Outside of seeing him and going to work, she had no hobbies, interests, or anything to do. On one occasion, she fled the apartment after a night-long fight ended with a bloody nose.
Walking in a daze down a Winnipeg street, her entire front streaked with blood, an off-duty transit driver helped her and called the police. After that, a no-contact order was put in place, but Allison’s boyfriend moved back in a few days later, and they soon returned to how things were—many evenings ended with her pinned down on the carpet, struggling to breathe.
After another big fight, a neighbour called the cops, and after letting the couple know they did, Allison’s boyfriend fled the apartment, and she covered for him when they came. He then moved back home, and she left for six months to heal with her parents. During that time, they were still together, but she returned to him in a relationship with someone he swore he wasn’t seeing.
“I constantly was like, ‘Number one, this is my fault, and number two, it’s not that bad,’” she said. “He’d tell me it’s not real abuse and it was partly like ‘this isn’t actually happening to me’ or ‘a lot of other people in other abusive relationships have it worse.’”
Allison’s boyfriend was acquitted in court. Since then, she’s done “a lot of radical self-acceptance”, leaning into her Indigenous roots by shaving her head because her people believe hair holds memories. She started wearing heavier makeup and adorning her body more, fully leaning into her alternative tastes. Only now is she growing her hair back out since the end of her abusive relationship.
“It definitely accepted me for a long time,” she said. “It still does. It’s terrible, and it really feels like it’s never going to end.”
It took Allison more than six months to start seeing other people after the end of the relationship. Her current partner is her first one post-breakup, and they didn’t start dating until more than a year later. After some searching, she’s found a job helping women in similar situations to hers, and she’s beyond fulfilled to be there.
The Interlake Women’s Resource Centre (IWRC) serves those in Arborg, Balmoral, Dunnottar, Fisher Branch, Fraserwood, Gimli, Gunton, Hecla, Inwood, Matlock, Riverton, Stonewall, Teulon, and Winnipeg Beach. The organization offers a range of services and supports, all of which come with no fees and guaranteed confidentiality:
– Crisis intervention
– Information and referrals
– Child, youth, and parent counselling
– Individual counselling for women
– Individual child and youth counselling
– Group counselling
– Workshops and groups
– Public awareness and outreach
– In-office resources
– Volunteer opportunities
More immediate support can be found at the following 24-hour call lines:
– 24-hour domestic violence crisis line: 1-877-977-0007
– Interlake-Eastern Regional Health Authority (IERHA) 24-hour crisis line: 1-866-427-8628
– Manitoba suicide prevention and support line: 1-877-435-7170
